some thoughts mid week

"Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door."
Emily Dickinson


I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability-not by choice mind you.
I want to make movies that matter for the rest of my life. That in a nutshell is my dream...and to marry Ryan Gosling. It all goes together though because he likes to do that too-

In order to fulfill this dream, I have to be vulnerable all the time. I must stand in front of total strangers, and ask that they choose me. I have to ask  my acting coach if he likes my choices for the scene. I have to ask casting directors if they think I "fit the role".  I have to ask the other person in the scene to trust me. I have to ask myself to be open and feel scared and exposed in order to ring true. I have to ask people watching to believe that I am someone else.
it sucks. it really, really sucks.

Some weeks I walk to my apartment, and things simply feel hopeless. Sometimes being here feels like a complete joke. Sometimes, I feel far away from everyone I love and everything I know for no reason at all.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud. There always seems to be one more obstacle between me and this lofty goal. This pure idea I've held onto my entire life. I'm not saying I want to be famous, or have everything figured out-I just want contentment.

This picture was taken when Mom and I made the trip up here to interview with talent agencies. I was very unsure, and I was being told a lot that coming from the south was ridiculous. I was burning my safety net in Memphis for this whim. We didn't have a great trip- I was very stressed, people were sort of crazy and rude due to the superbowl going on, and  it was also freezing! So one night at our hotel around midnight we made the decision to just make the best of the three days we had left in town. Naturally, I proposed a "you've got mail" pilgrimage!
 This picture is on the steps of the restaurant where Joe sees Kathleen Kelly. It's sort of the perfect place to show I didn't know how anything would work out-much like the scene in the movie. It was a romantic, wild trip, but my lows were very low.

I look at this picture sometimes, and try to remember that so many good things can enter when you choose to be vulnerable-not just heartbreak. I was told yes the day after this photo was taken. I found an apartment about a month later-I am typing in Williamsburg where a new friend just called to invite me for dinner tomorrow. I now know the area in this photo, because my dialect teacher has an apartment around the corner from that restaurant.

 I found a life here that I didn't think would happen at all. I'm  frustrated today over how difficult things can be... how hard it is to stand and ask...how difficult it is to not be home when things are happening there, but I know that things can change in one night. It's always better in the morning.

you should be watching

okay.
I was up late-surprise, surprise-asking that same old, stupid question..."what should I watch?"
I'm a "go to sleep movie" enthusiast, as well as an aspiring actress in my own right SO I watch a ton of movies....so many that it is a struggle to find things I haven't seen when night time rolls around.

I texted Sloan tonight-"but what should I watchhhhhhh"-she replied with a couple of solid rom coms. Long story short we decided tonight was a night for something silly, romantic, cheesy, happy, and feel good. Now normally a perfect movie in my mind sounds more like....something dark, hopeless, depressing, down on your luck for two hours characters, quirky, and rain must be involved. I couldn't believe I clicked on "Endless Love".... I was downright shocked when I then LOVED IT.

It is honestly one of the best, over dramatic, we are 18 and gorgeous, romantic movies I have seen since Summer Catch and The Notebook. We all know I don't just throw around a comparison to The Notebook.

This movie had a beautiful couple with actual chemistry, her hair is amazing, an incredible soundtrack, set in Rhode Island at a mansion, perfect summer clothes that looked like a free people campaign, and a crazy house fire. 

SO BASICALLY 
you should watch it.

monday and carole

such a good song for a Monday...any day really what am I sayin?!
ALSO Zooey Deschanel's teaser cover is killing me y'all. I am obsessed.

also when I hear one Carole King song I just want to hear another

to me "so far away" is her best girl jam-
like is it an unspoken rule that all women love this song? just find someone who doesn't.
and if you do-don't be her friend, she's lame.
ALSO can we talk about the cat in this photo? That cat is my favorite...so are her jeans.

speaking of cats...
Bartholomew has been insane all day, but he apparently finds this album calming-
I'm pretty certain "it's too late" is his personal favorite.
 makes sense he is such a heartbreaker. 

Friday Favorites

Hello there! it's been a looonnnnggg week on my end-how about yours? There was a minute that I wasn't sure I would make it! I am going to attempt-for the sake of this little space of mine-to pull out some positivity and light to share with you dear reader!

 Here are my favorites as follows:

-Anne Shirley is sort of the essence of everything good to me- I read Anne of Green Gables at my grandmother's house at around nine or ten, and suddenly my life began to make more sense. I was out of new books to read, and Mama Jo sort of half way threw it at me one afternoon after school-"entertain yourself and stop following me around" basically....Two days later she had created a monster! I had to follow her around even more furiously through the house to tell her how great that book she gave me was. This is one of my favorite quotes from Anne-I have a vintage print with this saying, and it always makes me feel a little better.

 

-I mailed three stunning engagement rings across the country to three boys who are going to propose this week. 

-Speaking of work I am on the blog this week with a few picks for you in the store this month! 

 August shop girl

-My video doesn't do this girl justice! She had a full on song and dance rehearsal while at the subway stop. She danced for ten minutes, and sang two hits from Rent.

-Baked lays are always, always a fave

-I've never talked about faith on here, and I'm not sure I will...but this verse is a favorite if you're cool with the Bible y'all

"Because of the tender mercy of my God by which the rising sun will come to me from heaven-to shine on my darkness and what feels like the shadow of death to me-I will find peace." Luke 1:78-79

-this is so incredible, and I will love it forever. It's probably one of my top 5 favorite- most romantic scenes in film

-while on the subject of romance- this is one of my favorite romantic songs... that seems to always make me cry 

Cheers to the weekend! xo pal

whos that giiiiirrrllllllll

it's Grace!

Surprise dear reader! My new, not-so-secret-anymore project is a fun interview each month with someone cool-our very first guest is Grace from sometimes gracefully!! Her blog is so sweet and honest you guys-let's get to know her shall we?

1) Why Blog?

The main reason why I love to blog is because I love to write! I love to tell stories, read stories, hear stories, etc. I’m currently a full-time graduate student, which requires a lot of analytical writing, so blogging offers me a writing outlet that allows me to think a bit more creatively!  

2) Last Meal?

 I’d have to say that my last meal would include a juicy steak, steamed broccoli and brussel sprouts (my favorite! with lots and lots of butter!), an entire strawberry cheesecake (I mean, duh, right?), and chips and guacamole from Chipotle. A somewhat random assortment of my favorite things. Throw in a cold Diet Coke and I’m good to go!

3) Phone, keys, wallet…

               

 Dry shampoo. I’ve got a lot of hair that gets greasy real fast, so I like carrying around a travel-sized canister of dry shampoo in my purse! And it sure comes in handy on those days when showering seems like such a burden!

4) Heels or flats?

              

 Heels. I’m a short girl, measuring at 5’1 on a good day, and my husband is about 6’2, so I’m all about adding a little height whenever I can!

5) Favorite thing about where you live?

   

 I love living in a city that experiences all four seasons of the year. Sure, we experience our fair share of freezing winters up here in Minne-snow-ta, but we also have extremely colorful falls {my personal favorite}, blossoming springs, and hot summers. One month we’ll be swimming at the lake, and a few months later we’ll be at the same lake ice skating or ice fishing. There are so many different kinds of recreational activities throughout Minnesota because we’re a four-season state, and I love that!

6) Dogs or Cats? 

 Dogs! I am such a dog person. I don’t mind cats, but there are some cats that I’m convinced are plotting my demise as I stroke their back. I love dogs with smushed faces {pugs, boxers, bulldogs, etc.}, but Darrin is convinced that we’re going to be buying a Great Dane in the future. If that’s the case, then I’m convinced that I’ll be riding my future dog to work each day. Yikes.

7)A perfect day would be…

 A perfect day would be spent at home in my pajamas, snuggling next to my husband while watching one of our favorite television shows and eating a Chipotle burrito. No place to be. No pressing obligations to fulfill. Just a day spent relaxing at home with my favorite things!

8)My Humans of New York quote would read:

              

 “I’ve got a whole lot of goals, dreams, hopes, and desires, but life’s really just about loving people.”

9) Currently listening to…

               

 I’ve recently started listening to a band called Johnnyswim, and I can’t get enough of them! Their song “Home” has been on repeat whenever I’m walking around the city. Along with their entire Diamonds album!

10) Cannot live without…

               

 My husband. Kind of a corny, cheesy, sappy type of answer. But a truthful one! It’s tough not to be sappy with this question! He makes everything better…and he knows the kind of wine I like, so I’ve just got to keep him around. ;)

Conversation opened. 5 messages. All messages read.

O' Captain! My Captain!

words can not express the heartbreak I feel tonight-

the entire world just lost someone special- depression is real, and it can happen to anyone... no matter what gender or race...regardless if you are talented or ordinary.  I got the news in acting class-ironic since I saw Dead Poets Society at age 13, in my very first acting class. I had seen Mrs. Doubtfire and Aladdin,  which are exceptional, but this movie impacted me so much as a performer, as well as, a person. I was personally struggling with a deep depression at 13-I watched a movie about a young man who saw no way out but through death-it changed my entire perception on suicide. Over the years, I fell in love with each performance he gave-Good Will Hunting, Jack, 1 hour photo, and Patch Adams are favorites of mine. I plan on watching all his great works over the course of this week. My prayers and love go out to his family, and those who are struggling with inner demons. I sincerely hope he has peace tonight, and feels the love that the world is pouring out.

words on a Monday

"You're twenty one or twenty nine and your heart's been broken between four and twenty times-fetal -position-on-the-bathroom-floor-broken, real-country-music-broken-and you don't know how you can ever be expected to go on like this for fifty more years and change."

-Jade Sylvan, "You know how sometimes you're in your twenties in America"