chirp chirp

sooo I've been away...
honestly things got really busy around here (which is a lame thing to say but very true)
anyway here we are
I'm back
 talking with you as much as you care to listen.

I just saw Reese Witherspoon interviewed about her new production company and movie "Wild."
just an f.y.i. if you haven't read Wild you should-it's one of THE most amazing books I've ever read. A few months later I'm still gaining insight because of it!
anyways she said something interesting-she said:
"I feel like my perspective matters, and I really didn't before."

it really got me thinking.
my words count-duh-I shouldn't feel weird sharing them from time to time. I think women are programmed to apologize for their opinions from a very young age.
"don't be too bossy" "don't make boys feel intimidated" "don't be too loud or emotional"
 "always be aware of the image you are presenting to others" "you aren't as smart as ..."

this is one reason acting is so special to me-your feelings and your words are always right.
so here I am with my perspective, ready to give this one more try before 2015 sweeps in and chaos ensues.

here are a few snapshots from my december.

I didn't think I would be able to travel to Mississippi for Christmas due to work which was pretty heartbreaking until.... dun dun dunnnn.... I found out I had the week of Christmas off!  I flew home one day after seeing the schedule with Elvis in tow :) He loves to fly apparently? like really-this dog was so happy in the airport and on the plane-super weird because y'all...he's very neurotic. I thought this might be a disaster, but we got there not only safely, but  in great moods! Merry Christmas

 I got in some much needed family and Tiger Lily time.

Here's the thing-no one in New York City is actually normal. 

It is the best and worst part of living here. Each day there is non stop stimulation as you walk around and extreme work pressure for everyone (I saw a guy get screamed at over fries once at dairy queen) and SO MUCH commuting-60% of my day is spent traveling to wherever I'm trying to go- alongside half a million strangers and 80 thousand street performers and 68 hundred hobos. It takes me six blocks and two trains just to go to work, and that is almost every day of the week. 

 I should mention that I love living here!! Please don't think of this as a whine entry, I just want to stress I'm tired! This wonderful, bursting city can wear you down quickly. 

I loved going home, let me be more specific...

I loved driving alone in my car with the radio up.

I loved that every meal was from somewhere I cherish and constantly miss eating. 

I loved having my conversations count because I'm never face to face with those I love.

I loved waking up in my bed each morning in my room in my big house, not a tiny apartment with three people and two dogs all in a rush.

I loved the look on Elvis' face when he saw how many trees there were in our neighborhood.

I loved the look on Elvis' face when he learned what a neighborhood was.

I loved staying up late and watching movies with Mama near the Christmas tree glow.

I loved giving everyone their presents from New York.

I loved laughing with my cousins who are somehow, all grown up?

It was a perfect holiday.

 I'm back in the city now post holiday wearing my tutu as a personal cheer me up.

 The city is still dressed in holiday cheer which makes being far away and cold so much easier.  I have met some amazing people through work-people that have come from everywhere to see New York at Christmas time. Just yesterday, I spoke with two Australian girls (aka beauties aka looked like supermodels aka can we be best friends because you guys are the coolest aka laughed with total strangers for two hours)  who are in New York for the entire month. They booked it spontaneously because they felt like they needed to invite in a major change. They said they felt like New York was going to bring in a dazzling 2015, a better year-all of their hopes were wrapped up in each corner and random experience here to be remembered for the rest of their lives.

I walked around my little brooklyn neighborhood tonight and saw such a big, beautiful sky.  I'm lucky to live here and to follow my dreams. I pray that 2015 is dazzling-passing all hopes I could strive for. I guess I stay here because I'm in love with that possibility-anything can happen here that's just the truth. It's true I'm missing everyone (always harder when I first get back), but Elvie and I went on a walk tonight under such a beautiful sky and I couldn't help but feel ok. I feel like this all matters-my perspective, my journey, my 2015 it matters.

New York, New York the city so nice they named it twice!

my fortune cookie tonight everybody...

it sort of says it all....

so the thing is...
New York is spectacular on a good day, and ridiculously draining on a bad one. I have reached the stage where I'm officially  a resident of this city. I'm not on an endless vacation anymore.

 I'm more aware of money or the lack thereof  and what my next step is with acting and how hard it is to find a job here period and boring five year plans and who I let into my life and I know where to eat and not to eat and I have a dog and I have real friends not fake acquaintances and I don't get lost on the subway so much anymore.

 I feel like no matter who you ask they will say "you know if you can live here after about 1 month... you either love it or you hate it." New York is a lesson in extremes...so this month like every other one has been full of ups and downs. I'm realizing without my knowing it, Brooklyn has sort of become my home, or something? How did that happen? How did I meet my neighbors? How did I start cooking with my roommates, and develop a day to day routine? How do I not break down on my bad days? How do I go longer in between visits home?

This is the first holiday I will celebrate away from the south, but thankfully (ha) I have been invited several places for Thanksgiving this year. It is amazing how many good people I have found here. It is amazing how once you do, you cling to them with all of your might-I guess this month is as my cookie said a time of change. I'm going to try really hard to welcome change. I'm going to be really thankful for this crazy place and all of the people in it. It's so easy to become calloused here-to go so hard all day without looking up and asking how someone else is doing-I don't want to get sucked into that. I want to embrace these extremes and ride them out as they come. (easier said than done)
cause you know what? One day I'm going to be so bored, and I'm going to miss this time. I'm going to miss the endless frustration of this city.  I'm going to miss not knowing what happens next, and waiting for the next person around the corner.

long story short-I'm thankful for my little world today x

November

"My heart is dancin' to a November tune and I hope that you hear it singin songs about you.."

"November Blue"
Avett Brothers




It's November...let's all be thankful. November gets so overlooked because everyone is on the Christmas train. I'm going to try my hardest to soak up these last fall days! I'm also attempting to share one thing I'm very thankful for each week in November :) let's get cheesy!

Tonight I'm thankful for my neighborhood.

I walk Elvis each morning on yellow leaf covered streets...my next door neighbors wave and say good morning from their stoops. I see the woman across the street sweeping her walkway as her husband has a cigarette with his morning coffee. We walk past the flower shop (where someone is always doing some sort of construction) and pass preschoolers wearing hats and bubble jackets walking with Mom or Dad to school. We head past the old church and into the park-we are greeted by lots of puppy friends big and small. After every squirrel has been chased,  I gather up a reluctant Elvis and drag him out of the park passing the 3rd and 4th graders who walk  to school with their friends and secretly practice cuss words. We take a stroll down Jefferson street and watch the birds hop along the fence posts, then round the corner and walk up four steps into a warm apartment.

 

whoknowsnobody

sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing...allow me to clarify....
most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing.
ALSO I  never know how to ask, "excuse me, what should I be doing?"
BUT today I stumbled over my words and got out the question.
AND I was actually told  
what I should do.
 you guys this is what I think people refer to as a breakthrough.
Mom and I always discuss the principle of  "take things one day at a time, and if that is too much one hour at a time"-she knows me well.
You see, I'm an addict.
I dive head first. I thrive under pressure because, as I mentioned, I never know what I'm doing!
I just figure it out.


I work harder than 90% of the population to fix everything as quickly as I can, the best that I can.
So when this "control" is taken from me...when I need to speak up or be confrontational in any way because I can't just  figure it out immediately...
I meltdown y'all.
When there is no other option but to surrender....ughhhh it is the worst.
This week has humbled me, but it led to something good.
I decided to go one day at a time.
I realized that sometimes things aren't an easy fix-but there are people who actually know what to do.
People who can... I don't know help!

 

talking about losses

"My eyes were glued on life and they were full of tears."

Jack Kerouac 

This week.
 sheeeeesh
This week is a rough one dear reader...BUT you know what else? I'm gaining a lot of perspective.
I'm learning that falling down is pretty inevitable, and it does not make you a failure.
 I see how good the friendships in my life are-what an amazing thing it is to have people to call on.
I see the person I would like to be, and the person I never want to be.
I understand that death is a part of this life-there's no right way to feel about it, but there is value in perspective and how you proceed.
so yeah I promise to keep growing and learning and stretching even when it's hard if you do too

ok
enough of this sappy stuff-
you have no idea how hard this makes me laugh-Like doubled over every time, crying laughter

some thoughts mid week

"Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door."
Emily Dickinson


I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability-not by choice mind you.
I want to make movies that matter for the rest of my life. That in a nutshell is my dream...and to marry Ryan Gosling. It all goes together though because he likes to do that too-

In order to fulfill this dream, I have to be vulnerable all the time. I must stand in front of total strangers, and ask that they choose me. I have to ask  my acting coach if he likes my choices for the scene. I have to ask casting directors if they think I "fit the role".  I have to ask the other person in the scene to trust me. I have to ask myself to be open and feel scared and exposed in order to ring true. I have to ask people watching to believe that I am someone else.
it sucks. it really, really sucks.

Some weeks I walk to my apartment, and things simply feel hopeless. Sometimes being here feels like a complete joke. Sometimes, I feel far away from everyone I love and everything I know for no reason at all.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud. There always seems to be one more obstacle between me and this lofty goal. This pure idea I've held onto my entire life. I'm not saying I want to be famous, or have everything figured out-I just want contentment.

This picture was taken when Mom and I made the trip up here to interview with talent agencies. I was very unsure, and I was being told a lot that coming from the south was ridiculous. I was burning my safety net in Memphis for this whim. We didn't have a great trip- I was very stressed, people were sort of crazy and rude due to the superbowl going on, and  it was also freezing! So one night at our hotel around midnight we made the decision to just make the best of the three days we had left in town. Naturally, I proposed a "you've got mail" pilgrimage!
 This picture is on the steps of the restaurant where Joe sees Kathleen Kelly. It's sort of the perfect place to show I didn't know how anything would work out-much like the scene in the movie. It was a romantic, wild trip, but my lows were very low.

I look at this picture sometimes, and try to remember that so many good things can enter when you choose to be vulnerable-not just heartbreak. I was told yes the day after this photo was taken. I found an apartment about a month later-I am typing in Williamsburg where a new friend just called to invite me for dinner tomorrow. I now know the area in this photo, because my dialect teacher has an apartment around the corner from that restaurant.

 I found a life here that I didn't think would happen at all. I'm  frustrated today over how difficult things can be... how hard it is to stand and ask...how difficult it is to not be home when things are happening there, but I know that things can change in one night. It's always better in the morning.

I'm sorry

so I disappeared....
honestly I went to Memphis, and my days were much more full than I expected. I had no time or desire to sit down and write. I'm sorry for making a false promise! 
Are we still pals dear reader? I sure hope so.

 I have decided not to do an all time favorite list. It felt oddly...personal...like very personal. Instead, I'm going to tell you some stuff, and throw in a few favorites as I go along.

Let's begin with this song:

It has had such a profound impact on me-I don't even know how to put into words how much I love it.  It has the prettiest, most melancholy melody that has seeped deep into my brain. I hum it when I'm not playing it, and I've played it about 200x since I first heard it randomly in my car. Nothing is better than music in my car, with summer air blowing around, late in the evening. nothing.

I've been having a bit of a tough time with this new number in my life-twenty four. I'm trying to calm down, but I feel older this year. I'm trying to see all the beauty in this number. I moved across the country alone, I'm acting, I'm meeting beautiful, kind people daily, and the scars I do have-I'm pretty proud of. Still....it's a weird number. I know most of my friends my age feel a little lost right now so let's call it normal, shall we?

 

I had such good days this past week-I looked through old photo albums with Pops and Molly and Mom. I danced with Jeffrey and Jessica. I spent the day at Gigi's house. I took hugs from my brother that he didn't want to give.  I slept late with the cats, and gave the dogs my food scraps. I read-currently on Gone Girl-almost to the end. I saw some movies. I took a long walk around the neighborhood, and ate birthday cake.

Now I'm back in this little ole town-happy to be here...

12:55 a.m.

Hello late night crowd!

I'm pretty tired, but not sleepy...know what I mean? My brain kind of buzzes and every thought I pushed out in the light of day, comes to the surface in one giant wave.  It doesn't help that my room is warm right now-my fans are struggling to beat the humidity accumulated while I was away at work. It's too noisy on the street to sleep with the windows open, so I'm kicking off all blankets and piling my hair on the top of my head. 
 I'm tired but not sleepy, and thinking about all the stuff happening here far away from my sweet Mississippi. 

New York is still surreal sometimes-I tried on wedding dresses yesterday at work for fun and today I saw quite a few celebrities. I broke my first pair of shoes from all the walking- a true "I live here" moment for me. I saw the cutest, friendliest dog I've ever seen (except for my own) at a coffee shop that makes the best cupcakes I've ever eaten. Someone on a whim read my tarot cards today-a first for me, and I got a pretty perfect set of cards. The weather today was really really perfect, and all over Brooklyn you could hear people celebrating USA's dramatic win. At the risk of sounding cliche-Days here are either so so high or desperately low-I've never been anywhere else quite like it.

There's been a video of Shonda Rhime's commencement going around the internet-it's great, especially if you like "grey's anatomy"-sounds a lotttt like an izzie steven's speech. My biggest take away was she said "be a doer not a dreamer". I am realizing the importance of those words each day I attempt to find my dream here. So, that's my plan this week...DO. When in doubt keep doing. 

And since it's time for bed I'll leave you with a song. 

goodnight xo