the sun will come out tomorrow

 I am taking back my mornings.

Lately, my hours have been pretty ridiculous...my work schedule changes week to week, but the past two have been consistently packed.
I'm normally rushing out the door to work around 8:45, then getting home around 5:30ish where I immediately start feeding/playing with Elvis, rush him to daycare around 6, then catch the train to get across the city to acting workshops, and finally I pick him up around 10ish, and then we watch a show or two and fall asleep! I know this busy time won't last forever, and I'm trying really hard to come up with more normal days (maybe some where I can eat). However, until this weird schedule is finally resolved I'm taking back my mornings.

This means:
 I will get up early to take Elvis on a walk before he is inside all day (even if that means seven a.m.)
I will make breakfast and eat at least one solid meal
I will make time to be still, read, and pray before the day takes off and everything becomes annoying
I will fit in my cleaning and laundry fun before it becomes midnight and I realize there is nothing clean to wear tomorrow

Here is little baby this morning with Rocky Raccoon

I'm off work today and have three hours before acting class WHOO!
we will go back to snuggles now (it is 15 degrees today YIKES!)

moving

" I knew that I would have to be brave. Not foolhardy, not in love with risk and danger, not making ridiculous exhibitions of myself to prove that I wasn't terrified-really genuinely brave. Brave enough to be quiet when quiet was called for, brave enough to observe before flinging myself into something, brave enough to not abandon my true self when someone else wanted to seduce or force me into a direction I didn't want to go, brave enough to stand my ground quietly."
Piper Kerman, Orange is the New Black

so I've succesfully moved into my new place! let me tell you moving in New York is not a fun process-mostly it has been a lot of work. Also, leaving my little buddy  Bart has been rough you guys :(ultimately this place is muchhhh better for me to say the least, and he is so loved he won't even notice I'm gone! how about one last post with his sweet face? ok? ok.
He loved all the boxes... a little too much... he went crazy and had to be banned from my room. He then threw a fit and let me know how devastated he was for thirty minutes.

Okay so I promise updates on my new apartment soon! I have lots of space saving suggestions for all you fellow tiny room people xo

that chill

New York is feeling an awful lot like fall dear reader. Today, I even needed a light jacket! This weather makes me want to sip on coffee, wear tights, and listen to lots of Dylan. I think "To Ramona" is one of the nicest letters/songs ever written in the history of the world. Every year around this time I find myself putting it on repeat. you should do the same

Tonight, I stayed in and crafted-yes, I know I am officially becoming that weird cat lady. I told myself I would never buy yarn, but then it was cold out and I broke down.
whatever. I am pretty happy with the end product! let's hope it keeps away my bad dreams for years to come :)

"I can see that your head
Has been twisted and fed
With worthless foam from the mouth
I can tell you are torn
Between stayin' and returnin'
Back to the South
You've been fooled into thinking
That the finishin' end is at hand
Yet there's no one to beat you
No one to defeat you
'Cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad"

that one time

I tried yoga.
I can't believe it either.
Know what is even worse than me trying it? I kind of loved it.  I know, I know! I'm just as shocked as you are! Okay so here is how this went down...

Part 1: I decided that my only goal this year would be to break out of my comfort zone and conquer fears that hold me back. (blah blah Oprah blah).

Part 2: I went home last week, and long story short realized that my health is important. I realized I'm not actually sixteen anymore. My body is something to be thankful for and conscious of-It was sort of a wake up call to take better care of myself. NOW, I am not saying that I will now be a track runner or a vegan! this is ME after all...but I can be better. My goal isn't to be the size I was in high-school or to stop eating bread, but to be strong. I want to feel strong.

 

 (Here I am eating the best sandwich and hot dog of my life in Paris!)


Part 3: This blog ain't called calm like a bomb for nothing! That is me you guys! I am calm...like a bomb. It turns out your mental health is just as important as your physical health! You see, my entire life I had play rehearsal. I had a wonderful outlet for stress all of the time! Until... I didn't. I began to venture away from theater and into this new world of film, and truly didn't know how to live without those rehearsals ruling my life. That combined with graduating from college without a steady plan made my anxiety soar.

and all of these things led me to yoga class tonight

I'm so intimidated by exercise classes because I never take them. Yoga seemed challenging enough, but mainly focused on meditation and breathing. It's quiet and peaceful and slow moving.  At one point I felt ridiculous in class...like I was playing twister, but when I left I had no tension in my back and no thoughts racing through my mind.
pretty much a miracle.  so I signed up for a few more- we will see if this sticks- but it's a step right?

talking about losses

"My eyes were glued on life and they were full of tears."

Jack Kerouac 

This week.
 sheeeeesh
This week is a rough one dear reader...BUT you know what else? I'm gaining a lot of perspective.
I'm learning that falling down is pretty inevitable, and it does not make you a failure.
 I see how good the friendships in my life are-what an amazing thing it is to have people to call on.
I see the person I would like to be, and the person I never want to be.
I understand that death is a part of this life-there's no right way to feel about it, but there is value in perspective and how you proceed.
so yeah I promise to keep growing and learning and stretching even when it's hard if you do too

ok
enough of this sappy stuff-
you have no idea how hard this makes me laugh-Like doubled over every time, crying laughter

let's talk hair girl

 warning stupid post ahead.....

how often do you wash your hair? I just had a long phone call discussing this age old question. (whatever what do you talk about on the phone)

I used to have bangs-which basically meant... measure the cleanliness of your bangs with your self esteem for the day. I loved having them, but they WERE A PAIN.

 

sidenote: never view old pictures without first accepting: you will never be that happy or skinny again. never ever.

anyways I decided bangs were too much work and grew them out

-around the same time I took a trip to Dublin!

 

Upon my arrival I was informed that showering had to be limited due to expenses and traveling ALSO there was no hair dryer

 (it was the dead of winter-do you want to lay in bed all night with wet hair?)

In Ireland, I learned the hard way what happens when you stop washing your hair...it goes through several stages (most of which you look disgusting) but then.... something amazing happened!

I realized not washing so often meant healthier, fuller, faster growing locks!

 My hair looked better than it had since high school!

 However, I'm worried I've taken this new found freedom way too far...I now hate washing my hair.  I avoid it as long as possible! I just throw it in a bun around the third day, or sprinkle in dry shampoo-

can you tell how much I care?

 how single I am?

so the question is...how often do you wash your hair?

some thoughts mid week

"Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door."
Emily Dickinson


I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability-not by choice mind you.
I want to make movies that matter for the rest of my life. That in a nutshell is my dream...and to marry Ryan Gosling. It all goes together though because he likes to do that too-

In order to fulfill this dream, I have to be vulnerable all the time. I must stand in front of total strangers, and ask that they choose me. I have to ask  my acting coach if he likes my choices for the scene. I have to ask casting directors if they think I "fit the role".  I have to ask the other person in the scene to trust me. I have to ask myself to be open and feel scared and exposed in order to ring true. I have to ask people watching to believe that I am someone else.
it sucks. it really, really sucks.

Some weeks I walk to my apartment, and things simply feel hopeless. Sometimes being here feels like a complete joke. Sometimes, I feel far away from everyone I love and everything I know for no reason at all.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud. There always seems to be one more obstacle between me and this lofty goal. This pure idea I've held onto my entire life. I'm not saying I want to be famous, or have everything figured out-I just want contentment.

This picture was taken when Mom and I made the trip up here to interview with talent agencies. I was very unsure, and I was being told a lot that coming from the south was ridiculous. I was burning my safety net in Memphis for this whim. We didn't have a great trip- I was very stressed, people were sort of crazy and rude due to the superbowl going on, and  it was also freezing! So one night at our hotel around midnight we made the decision to just make the best of the three days we had left in town. Naturally, I proposed a "you've got mail" pilgrimage!
 This picture is on the steps of the restaurant where Joe sees Kathleen Kelly. It's sort of the perfect place to show I didn't know how anything would work out-much like the scene in the movie. It was a romantic, wild trip, but my lows were very low.

I look at this picture sometimes, and try to remember that so many good things can enter when you choose to be vulnerable-not just heartbreak. I was told yes the day after this photo was taken. I found an apartment about a month later-I am typing in Williamsburg where a new friend just called to invite me for dinner tomorrow. I now know the area in this photo, because my dialect teacher has an apartment around the corner from that restaurant.

 I found a life here that I didn't think would happen at all. I'm  frustrated today over how difficult things can be... how hard it is to stand and ask...how difficult it is to not be home when things are happening there, but I know that things can change in one night. It's always better in the morning.

you should be watching

okay.
I was up late-surprise, surprise-asking that same old, stupid question..."what should I watch?"
I'm a "go to sleep movie" enthusiast, as well as an aspiring actress in my own right SO I watch a ton of movies....so many that it is a struggle to find things I haven't seen when night time rolls around.

I texted Sloan tonight-"but what should I watchhhhhhh"-she replied with a couple of solid rom coms. Long story short we decided tonight was a night for something silly, romantic, cheesy, happy, and feel good. Now normally a perfect movie in my mind sounds more like....something dark, hopeless, depressing, down on your luck for two hours characters, quirky, and rain must be involved. I couldn't believe I clicked on "Endless Love".... I was downright shocked when I then LOVED IT.

It is honestly one of the best, over dramatic, we are 18 and gorgeous, romantic movies I have seen since Summer Catch and The Notebook. We all know I don't just throw around a comparison to The Notebook.

This movie had a beautiful couple with actual chemistry, her hair is amazing, an incredible soundtrack, set in Rhode Island at a mansion, perfect summer clothes that looked like a free people campaign, and a crazy house fire. 

SO BASICALLY 
you should watch it.

that grown up life

I just composed a grocery list, and a week of meals that I'm going to attempt to cook....
who am I?!
 Does this mean I am growing up or something?
I still used a pretty/impractical notebook!