"Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door."
Emily Dickinson
I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability-not by choice mind you.
I want to make movies that matter for the rest of my life. That in a nutshell is my dream...and to marry Ryan Gosling. It all goes together though because he likes to do that too-
In order to fulfill this dream, I have to be vulnerable all the time. I must stand in front of total strangers, and ask that they choose me. I have to ask my acting coach if he likes my choices for the scene. I have to ask casting directors if they think I "fit the role". I have to ask the other person in the scene to trust me. I have to ask myself to be open and feel scared and exposed in order to ring true. I have to ask people watching to believe that I am someone else.
it sucks. it really, really sucks.
Some weeks I walk to my apartment, and things simply feel hopeless. Sometimes being here feels like a complete joke. Sometimes, I feel far away from everyone I love and everything I know for no reason at all. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. There always seems to be one more obstacle between me and this lofty goal. This pure idea I've held onto my entire life. I'm not saying I want to be famous, or have everything figured out-I just want contentment.
This picture was taken when Mom and I made the trip up here to interview with talent agencies. I was very unsure, and I was being told
a lot that coming from the south was ridiculous
. I was burning my safety net in Memphis for this whim.
We didn't have a great trip- I was very stressed, people were sort of crazy and rude due to the superbowl going on, and it was also freezing! So one night at our hotel around midnight we made the decision to just make the best of the three days we had left in town. Naturally, I proposed a "you've got mail" pilgrimage!
This picture is on the steps of the restaurant where Joe sees Kathleen Kelly. It's sort of the perfect place to show I didn't know how anything would work out-much like the scene in the movie. It was a romantic, wild trip, but my lows were very low.
I look at this picture sometimes, and try to remember that so many good things can enter when you choose to be vulnerable-not just heartbreak. I was told
yes the day after this photo was taken. I found an apartment about a month later-I am typing in Williamsburg where a new friend just called to invite me for dinner tomorrow. I now know the area in this photo, because my dialect teacher has an apartment around the corner from that restaurant.
I found a life here that I didn't think would happen at all. I'm frustrated today over how difficult things can be... how hard it is to stand and ask...how difficult it is to not be home when things are happening there,
but I know that things can change in one night. It's always better in the morning.
