whoknowsnobody

sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing...allow me to clarify....
most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing.
ALSO I  never know how to ask, "excuse me, what should I be doing?"
BUT today I stumbled over my words and got out the question.
AND I was actually told  
what I should do.
 you guys this is what I think people refer to as a breakthrough.
Mom and I always discuss the principle of  "take things one day at a time, and if that is too much one hour at a time"-she knows me well.
You see, I'm an addict.
I dive head first. I thrive under pressure because, as I mentioned, I never know what I'm doing!
I just figure it out.


I work harder than 90% of the population to fix everything as quickly as I can, the best that I can.
So when this "control" is taken from me...when I need to speak up or be confrontational in any way because I can't just  figure it out immediately...
I meltdown y'all.
When there is no other option but to surrender....ughhhh it is the worst.
This week has humbled me, but it led to something good.
I decided to go one day at a time.
I realized that sometimes things aren't an easy fix-but there are people who actually know what to do.
People who can... I don't know help!

 

coming straight from the heart

life can be kind of rough to say the least, when I've fallen I reach for sweet scenes-here are scenes from my favorite movies with love from me to you... if you feel a little down you should watch all of these films, but if you don't have time for that then at least watch one scene

1) Blue Valentine
when my favorite Ryan Gosling (Dean) "happens" to see Michelle Williams (Cindy) on the bus-He had been to the retirement home to ask about her because he can't stop thinking about her and it's raining-she wasn't there so he leaves and then on his way home, she gets on the same bus and  a perfect rainbow comes out!! Apparently it literally happened as they were filming this scene-it is one of the sweetest things I've ever watched in a movie.
also in this movie (can you tell I love it?)
the scene where they spend all night getting to know each other, and he sings a song that will set the tone for their life together-it makes me believe in true love y'all.

2) Rear Window
Grace Kelly's introduction-she enters the dark apartment and slowly begins to turn on three lamps, as she says her name you start to see how stunning she is and she quite literally lights up a room-it's the most feminine, stylish, sophisticated thing I've ever seen

3)Sweet Home Alabama
well as a southerner in New York I had to list this one-when Melanie cries and talks to Jake in the coon dog cemetery. it will break anybody's heart, it is the sweetest, most genuine conversation...and they are sitting beside a dog's grave. COME ON. sweet home alabama!

 

4)The Greatest

The greatest is in fact the greatest. The end of the movie is spectacular-when the family finally starts telling Carey Mulligan all about her boyfriend's life when he was alive specifically "his first word was WOW"-I DIE. I just fall apart...like can.not.stop.crying. and the song "these lovin' arms" by The Wood Brothers is playing OMGAH it is the greatest. and then she has her baby, and she holds it up in the window! Just watch it-I don't know why no one seems to have heard of this movie.

 

 5)Almost Famous

I saved the best for last. This movie in my opinion... is the best movie in the whole world period end of story-the scene I have chosen is Kate Hudson (Penny Lane's) monologue at the rv stop when she discovers Russ sold her for beer. It is the reason I chose to stay in acting- I watched this my senior year of high school, and thought I have to do that. She goes on this ride-the camera never moves from her face and she laughs and she cries and she is so beautiful and hurt-man oh man. If you've ever been hurt by a dumb guy just watch this scene. It is amazing. LIKE AMAZING.

 

the other one I must mention is about 5 sec. long-she is dancing on an empty stage and it's the purest thing ever caught on camera-the song playing in the background sings "where I'll end up where I'm going only God really knows"

some thoughts mid week

"Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door."
Emily Dickinson


I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability-not by choice mind you.
I want to make movies that matter for the rest of my life. That in a nutshell is my dream...and to marry Ryan Gosling. It all goes together though because he likes to do that too-

In order to fulfill this dream, I have to be vulnerable all the time. I must stand in front of total strangers, and ask that they choose me. I have to ask  my acting coach if he likes my choices for the scene. I have to ask casting directors if they think I "fit the role".  I have to ask the other person in the scene to trust me. I have to ask myself to be open and feel scared and exposed in order to ring true. I have to ask people watching to believe that I am someone else.
it sucks. it really, really sucks.

Some weeks I walk to my apartment, and things simply feel hopeless. Sometimes being here feels like a complete joke. Sometimes, I feel far away from everyone I love and everything I know for no reason at all.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud. There always seems to be one more obstacle between me and this lofty goal. This pure idea I've held onto my entire life. I'm not saying I want to be famous, or have everything figured out-I just want contentment.

This picture was taken when Mom and I made the trip up here to interview with talent agencies. I was very unsure, and I was being told a lot that coming from the south was ridiculous. I was burning my safety net in Memphis for this whim. We didn't have a great trip- I was very stressed, people were sort of crazy and rude due to the superbowl going on, and  it was also freezing! So one night at our hotel around midnight we made the decision to just make the best of the three days we had left in town. Naturally, I proposed a "you've got mail" pilgrimage!
 This picture is on the steps of the restaurant where Joe sees Kathleen Kelly. It's sort of the perfect place to show I didn't know how anything would work out-much like the scene in the movie. It was a romantic, wild trip, but my lows were very low.

I look at this picture sometimes, and try to remember that so many good things can enter when you choose to be vulnerable-not just heartbreak. I was told yes the day after this photo was taken. I found an apartment about a month later-I am typing in Williamsburg where a new friend just called to invite me for dinner tomorrow. I now know the area in this photo, because my dialect teacher has an apartment around the corner from that restaurant.

 I found a life here that I didn't think would happen at all. I'm  frustrated today over how difficult things can be... how hard it is to stand and ask...how difficult it is to not be home when things are happening there, but I know that things can change in one night. It's always better in the morning.